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2006-05-21 - ...universal rewards...

Hello my little friskies!

Well, I've been deathly ill the past week plus. They put me on antibiotics, then put me on different antibiotics, and now I'm finding out exactly just how much snot a human being can possibly produce in a 2 week period.

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Heavy on the brain: my deep-rooted anger problem. For a while there, I was actually thinking I had a handle on things. Then lately it's been pretty bad, poor Amor has to deal with me. Everyday, it was something. I'd blow up at something. I was *looking* for things at which to blow up, hindsight.

Then I started thinking. I started reading about anger. Sometimes it was called rageholism. Sometimes it was mentioned with bipolar disorder. It was always mentioned with the idea of stress-induced health problems. You can kill yourself with anger.

I tried to find the book "the Anger Diet" by Brenda Shoshanna last week, but only made it to one bookstore and they didn't have it. I could have gotten it from the internet, but that would have taken a few days. I was sick and physically weak, and didn't feel like going anywhere but home. Amor was out doing errands right then, and said he'd try to find it.

I started reading it right away, of course.

Anyway, what I was thinking about is firstly my health. I mean, I've been dealing with this shit for 30+ years, shouldn't I be tired of it by now? I realized I actually *seek out* reasons to get pissed off. I *feed* on the physical sensation of being angry. That's fucking sick-o.

Secondly, I started thinking about our kids. Do I want to teach my kids to freak out like I do? Do I want a family of human beings that thrives on freaking out and being angry?

I think the concept behind the anger diet book (it does not involve food, this diet) is that, as with anything in life, you have to keep on it. I mean, when I decided to lose 20 pounds 2 and a half years ago, I decided to get on a jogging plan and stop eating crap all the time. Two and a half years later, I'm still doing just that: I'm jogging and not eating crap all the time. I don't quit, ever. I think that's what it's meant with the anger diet. My desire to get angry and freak out will always be there. It will never go away.

What gets me is that I've already gone through this process before. I've decided before to get a handle on this anger thing. Like when I was in therapy, it was really working. But I can't stay in therapy forever, and I didn't get it in the first place for my anger problem, I got therapy because I was thinking of leaving my husband.

But I started slacking. I started letting it creep back into my life.

It's about perspective. Amor and I were arguing one night and after the firestorm, we actually started talking instead of yelling and he said my anger control is just like how when I talk to these obese people in the hospital about losing weight: I can talk to them until the cows come home, I can give them the most updated information possible about their weight problems, eating, exercise, but ultimately it comes down to: are they going to fucking stick with the program or not?

So that's it with me, too. Am I going to stick with the fucking program or not? Do I want to continue killing myself? I already have been diagnosed with high blood pressure, and for a person that exercises regulary, has a great diet and keeps her weight in check, I should not have high blood pressure. (Yes, I still check it on a semi-regular basis, and unfortunately it is occasionally elevated.) It's the fucking stress I put myself through ----> if I could just consistently keep it under control, with the anger, it'd make a world of difference.

And I know it works. I know I can do it. Read on:

Usually when I drive downtown, I freak out because 1. I think I don't know where I'm going and 2. I refuse to keep an open mind about finding parking.

Last night Amor and I went to see that German film Sophie Scholl. (Excellent film.) Before we left, I lifted mine eyes to heaven and told God I wasn't going to get mad. I was going to be ZEN. I drove down the appropriate streets. Amor gave me some pointers, but did not dictate my tires' movements, like I usually yell at him to do. I did a few passes around tall buildings near the theater. I never do that of my own free will. I just pull into the nearest $5 garage and am done with that. *note: if you look for free parking downtown, you can find it* Long story short: I found free parking.

The universe rewarded me for being ZEN.

I was so fucking elated. I sat in the driver seat for a mo' before we got out of the car and Amor and I gave each other a high5.

* * * * * *

Earlier yesterday morning, there was a knock on our apartment door. This rarely occurs as our apartment complex is like Alcatraz, no one unauthorized makes it in, we never get solicitors. Anyway, so I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, Amor's still asleep in the bedroom. *knock knock knock* I look through the peeple-hole and it's this Jehovah's witness that's been frequenting our complex for the past 2 years. I ignore him. Then he rings the doorbell and I tell myself to not be an asshole as I open the door.

He starts telling me that he's got a pamphlet for me and my husband on communication, that it's always good for couples to communicate. And then he's like, "Let me read you a scripture really quick from James 1:19 - So, then, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

I swear to fucking god I almost started crying right then and there.

Because anger is not going to just kill me. It's going to kill Amor and I. It's going to kill our babies.

I was reading up a little on miscarriage and it's been found that high cortisol levels can/may be involved in that tragic process. Stress causes high cortisol levels.

And I've been reading/thinking a lot about how life inside the womb affects the course of the rest of your life. Do I want my babies starting out their lives inside a stress-bag? I don't want that for them. I want happiness, peace and love for them, and me, too. And Amor.

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We're going to Germany the end of September for Oktoberfest. For two weeks. But not just Deutschland. We're going to start off in Spain: Barcelona and Ibiza. Amor and I decided yesterday that we're going to get "Ibiza bodies" by September. That means lots more yoga, lifting weights and jogging.

So: hello Romantic Road, Sound of Music tour, beautiful German nature, sausage and sauerkraut, BEER, crazy kings' castles, Hallstat, Schleswig-Holstein, etc.

This will be a sort-of reward for us for (please please please please god hopefully this will happen) graduating come August.

Also, that weekend before we leave for Deutschland is the ACL Festival! I'm excited about the Tragically Hip, Tom Petty, the Flaming Lips and Jimmie Dale Gilmore (not so much his music but that he was Smoky in the Big Lebowski.)

And yes, Becky and Henry will be accompanying us. Did you know this will be our 4th ACL?

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School update:

My professor sucks. He's taken over 3 weeks to get anything back to me concerning my paper. I went Wednesday to pick up some of my tables, and he hadn't even looked at them. He's been "really busy". AAARRGGGGHHHHH! This guy will rot in hell with all the other bad professors. I'm supposed to go see him tomorrow....

What can I do? Nothing. I'm at the mercy of his reaming. Oooo, yeah that feels nice.

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Since I've been on antibiotics, I haven't been able to drink, because I care deeply about the well-being of my liver. I've been to two different events now where everyone around me is drinking and getting drunk except me. And I actually enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being sober. I toy with the idea of giving up alcohol for a while...

That's another sign of my addiction problem, not just my addiction to anger, but to maybe alcohol, too.

thinking thoughts conscious reason evaluation of the products of mental activity

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