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2006-06-07 - from the sky

I've got a lot to say....

First off, I'm feeling a lot better, mentally. After about a month-long funk, I think I'm coming out of it. Amor and I haven't been fighting since Friday afternoon, when we left for SA to see Becky and Henry for the weekend, plus the 'rents.

Yea!

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Friday night was NiN: we weren't in the pit this time, we had seats. I'm the only one out of the 4 of us who thought it was a better show than when we saw him in September of last year. He played less of his new album, and more of his old stuff. He played "get down make love". I still think "closer" is one of his worst songs ever, and I don't really like it that much, and people seem to think it defines NiN, which it doesn't, in my opinion. I drank some beers, but not more than 2. Trent and I had on the same outfit.

Saturday night we tried to go bowling, but got in a 4-way fight instead. I'm a fucking asshole, and, you know, everyone else has baggage...We couldn't get a lane, we got to the bowling alley too late, and ended up drinking a pitcher between the 4 of us, Becky accidentally kicked the chair I was sitting in (which is my ultimate pet peeve) and 1 + 1 = 2. Ugh. We made it home after everyone semi-made up.

We got home and everyone got out of the car. Becky and Henry went inside their house. It was really dark outside, it was after midnight, and the stars were out in all of their Texas hill country splendor, it was amazing. I love how peaceful it is at my 'rent's property, where we used to live 2 & 1/2 years ago. I sat down on a stool next to the rockwork fence and Queenie (the catahoula, sweet thing that she is) flopped down next to me so I could give her pets. I was crying and couldn't really stop. It wasn't one of those hard cries, no sobbing. Just...the tears kept rolling and rolling and rolling out of my eyeballs. They were so warm on my cheeks, perfectly melding with the hot air of the night. I thought Amor had gone inside, but then I heard him in the grass next to me and felt his body next to mine.

I told him how shitty I felt about how I caused this huge fight amongst us, and he said it wasn't good to lay blame. But I was talking about more than just this night. I mean, this has got to fucking stop. I'm so tired of talking about it. I'm so weary of doing it over and over, to my loved ones. I want to be strong and get more control. I know I can do it. Everyday I get better at it, I really do. I know my last entry was a bit melodramatic, yet there was some truth to it - it was really how I felt at the time.

So I'm sitting there just letting the tears roll down my face, now all the dogs are there. Oso's (the rotty, my baby) on the other side of Amor on his back making these weird moaning/grunting sounds because he's just beside himself with joy that the sun isn't beating down on his black body AND he's getting pets from Amor.

I look up into the sky and just over the outline of the trees I see a shooting star. Amor asked me, "Did you make a wish?" And I said, "No, I just let it be."

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Anyway, so Saturday we went to an amusement park and rode some roller coasters. I love all that shit. It was hot as hell and at 7:30 p.m. we had some frozen margaritas that really hit the spot. They were made with a heavy liquor hand, which was fine with us. Perfection. Refreshing.

Sunday we went to the most amazing mini golf course I've ever been to. It's weird, I've lived in that city my whole childhood, driven past that course a million times, but never went there.

Then we took mom here to get some exercise, us too. I've been going there since I was a kid, can't tell you how many times I've been.

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Monday, Monday I took off work so Amor and I could spend an additional day in SA.

I visited my childhood dentist. He's the only dentist I've ever been to my whole life except when we live in Oregon for a year when I was in junior high and had to see this asshole orthodontist who made me wear rubberbands in my braces and didn't think I'd actually wear my rubberbands, and my teeth got overcorrected. Fucking idiot.

Well, I hadn't been to the dentist in almost 4 years and I was scared he'd find....cavities. He didn't! I was sent off with a new toothbrush, some dental floss (I'm an avid flosser. I always floss. Every night.), a tiny tube of toothpaste, and I also got a tooth-bleaching kit for my chompers.

Flossing regularly is cool.

On the way home from the dentist, I realized that my dentist's office is on the same road as the park where Amor and I got married. I decided to stop on my way home. The pavilion was unlocked, and I walked around a bit. I stood on the stage where Amor and I exchanged our vows. It was so peaceful and quiet, the only sound was of the cicadas and a few birds here and there. It was so bare under that huge roof, no decorations, no people, there were leaves on the floor and the picnic tables were all askew. It was perfect. I had all kinds of good feelings going on inside me.

I got home and my husband, sister and her boyfriend were just waking up. It was 12:30.

Later, Rita made me do this work-out DVD with her and it kicked ass. I'm totally sore. She's all proud of herself, she's lost 10 pounds. I've got to get my hands on a copy of that shit. I decided I'm officially tired of jogging. After 2 & 1/2 years, I'm tired of jogging.

Speaking of, it's all I've got right now, when it comes to exercise. Amor and I went today in the scorching heat that is present even at 7 p.m. and I pushed myself - I didn't want to, but I did. I did some yoga, too. I need some more variety in my workout routine. Especially if I want that Ibiza Body by September...ha!

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So Amor's cheesy, right? I get home from work yesterday and he's all, "Let's go get tickets to the Omen and then go have dinner!"

We celebrated Satan and I wore all black except for my shoes, which were a gold hue. For dessert at the restaurant we had something called, "Devilish Devil's food cake" or something like that. We had never been to that restaurant before, nor were we aware of their dessert choices before hand. It was meant to be. Our caloric intake for the evening was bumped up at least 300 calories each. Thanks, Satan!

Well, the movie was OK, but the kid that played Damian wasn't really scary. The whole movie wasn't really scary, actually. It did have rottweilers, though. I am convinced they are the scariest looking dogs on the face of the planet.

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Speaking of planets, does this or this freak anyone else out, too?

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Things are going a little better with the prof. He's still an asshole, though. I'm trying very hard to make the end of all this shit August, but we'll have to see.

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Anneliese called me today, I think it was to brag that she was on her way to a coffee shop or something. I still can't figure out why she called! Anneliese, why did you call me? I think you just like hearing my voice once every 2 or 3 months, as I do, too. I wish it was more, that's fer sure.

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After our jog, Amor and I made salads and I juiced some carrots, apples and a big slab of fresh ginger. Our protein for the meal was chickpeas.

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Thanks everyone for your kind words of encouragement and stuff. I think it means more to me than you know.

Yo.

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