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2006-10-13 - the language inside me

Well, 0prah's over and so now I am going to call my friend Anneliese so she can help me with my stupid problems involving excel and graphs. Yea. Fun.

Amor and I are going to have dinner with Francis tonight and another friend of hers. Thai food. Big portions.

I was really emotional at work today. I get paranoid sometimes that everyone hates me and for some reason they don't see the goodness of my soul. I hate it when I get like this. My dad's an extremely paranoid person, I learned it from him. It serves no purpose in my life, yet it does serve a purpose for him. Or at least it did when he was the man of the house at 9 years old and had to take care of his mom and 3 younger siblings living close to poverty. Or at least it did when he was at war in Vietnam. It's amazing that these things get passed on to children, isn't it? I was duped into thinking paranoia was the way to go. Thanks, Dad. It's something I have to fight on a daily basis. A constant battle in my head of whether or not to trust so-and-so or what so-and-so said, did, implied.

This Eurotrip taught me something: that I'm a little bit crazy. And I find it really frightening that not only do I have to live with this, so does Amor.

But on a day-to-day, since we've been back, I've found I'm a little bit stronger, surprisingly. And despite the set-back of today's emotional paranoia, I feel more confident than I have in a long time.

I've got an inner language that not a lot of people get to 1. hear or 2. understand. It's hard for me to get it out. Like thought constipation.

Basically I'm just rambling right now. Nothing to see here. Move along.

***update***

It's 5:52 p.m. and I just got off the phone with Anneliese and I'm happy! She showed me how to do my graphs so swimmingly. Thanks, Anneliese! You're the best.

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