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2006-10-26 - foreverneverend

Oh my god, I'm so messed up. I tried to leave my husband again two nights ago. See, I've just been really frustrated lately about our Europe trip - I felt like he didn't take my feelings into consideration, we went too fast, did too many things, and I just lost it at one point, and we still didn't slow down. Our luggage got lost the 3rd day of our trip, going from Spain to Austria, and we didn't get it back until the third day after we'd been home. I had to wear my contacts for FOUR DAYS because of the fact you can't take liquids on the friggin' plane, and in Austria you can't just go to the store and buy solution, you've got to go to an optometrist - difficult to find. Then, the car we rented, returning it turned out to be a nightmare. That's when I had a nervous break down. I came home to the states all angry and totally resentful of Amor, and then on top of that I was all chemically imbalanced from the xanax. It was terrible. It was just too much. Going from my paper, to the ACL fest, to Europe, and then back to my paper, GOD.

Plus, Amor's having a really, really difficult time right now with his life decisions. He's not really working on school, he's depressed, his job sucks, and his wife was tearing him down for it instead of trying to help him out if it. I'm mean. Well, I did try to help him out of it for a while, for about 9 months I've been believing that he'll get out of his hole, and when it didn't happen, I got madder and madder, more resentful. I had lost faith in him. When I would bring it up, he's such a good arguer, I can't keep up. He's someone I can't compete with when it comes to arguing a point. I try to talk, and he talks over me. He tears apart my sentences so afterwards I don't even know what I'm trying to say in the first place.

We need help. We're going to get marriage counseling Monday. The lady who did our premarital counseling just happens to live in Houston, and I have kept up an email semi-relationship with her these past 5 years, and sent out a desperate message to her last night. She emailed us back, and we're seeing her Monday.

I tried to leave him. I had had enough. I said, FUCK IT, I'm outta here. But marriage doesn't really work like that, you have to work on things. You have to communicate, so the other person understands you, and you understand the other person. And sometimes Amor and I have problems with that.

I had to choke back the tears all day yesterday. Then I called him to tell him I was on my way home, my voice cracked. I drove home as fast as I could, parked the car in the garage, ran thru the courtyard, up our stairs, and found him at the bathroom sink. I fell in his arms and the tears burst out of my face. He told me later he'd been shaking since my phone call, he thought my tears had meant that I was really going to leave him. So I'm in his arms, telling him he was right: in our argument the night prior he was telling me I was thinking of our relationship in terms of boyfriend/girlfriend, but it's husband/wife. It's husband/wife. I've never been in a husband/wife relationship before, and it gets so scary sometimes, sometimes it seems like jumping off into the wild blue yonder, without a safety net. I panic. I panicked. I panic and I want to GET THE FUCK OUT.

I love him so much. But it's got to be more than love that brings us through, keeps us going. It's our faith in each other, we've got to have each other's back, we've got the inside joke, the D/L story, the skinny, that no one can touch.

I mean, it's not all bad. Actually, before I left for San Antonio (I went to San Antonio this past weekend) we were doing better than we'd been doing since we got back from Europe. But then the day or so before I left, things just went bad, and I stewed on it all weekend. I soiled in my negativity, so to speak.

I don't know what we're going to do, only it's got to get better, and we've got to work on it. WORK.

He's got to get out of his funk. He's got to stop trying to make me happy all the time, and start focusing on himself. We've both got to start doing things that we want to do, instead of just doing what the other person wants to do, and then resenting them because it's not what they really wanted to do.

I've got to start putting more thought into activities I want to do that will make me happy.

I didn't do enough planning for Europe, I let Amor take the reins and look at what happened.

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So that's what's been going on.

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Do you want to read more about other things that are going on?

You do:

I started reading books again. Book. It's the second of the Reality Dysfunction books by Peter F. Hamilton. I started reading it over a year ago. I restarted it 3 days ago.

AND!

Now that I'm going to be done with my paper, I'm going to need something else, something BIG, to bitch about, aren't I? What's my next big challenge, you ask? INSANE FUNDRAISING involving me and a bike! Stay tuned where I hit you up for cash, y'all.

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You know, despite the despairing tone of the first part of this entry, I feel really good right now about my marriage, and about my husband. It's like, I can see light. After I came home and told him that I thought the only way we could save our marriage was through counsling, I knew without a doubt that yeah, I AM crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to leave my husband.

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