2007-03-21 - the the the sinking feeling
Today was "one of those days". You know how people talk about having "one of those days"? Well, that was actually me, today. It all started at 7:20 when I walked in to work this morning, and didn't stop until I left at 5:10, almost 10 hours later. I *never* stay at work that long. I don't know if I'd say that I had a bad day, it was just, like, all these little things kept cropping up that slowed me down. I wasn't in an irritable mood, so I didn't get pissed off. It was just that at one point in the day, I had to make the observation that GEE WIZ, what the fudge is going on here? And then it went on and on for the rest of the day.
My husband and I have an unfinished conversation about how we go about fighting. We don't fight very well, and sometimes we go to bed angry at each other. It sucks, I hate that, we're both too stubborn to do otherwise.
How do we fight? I get angry and he gets defensive. He gets angry and I get defensive, then he says he's not angry. I find it impossible to win at arguments with him, his family and friends find this, too, and agree it's maddening. I end up feeling stupid and submissive. I told him he's too powerful, he wields this power and I give under his mental blows, it really sucks. I don't know how to dig within my brain and tell him what I'm really thinking, because I end up believing his arguments, his opinion, I just fold, because it's easier like that. Then later, I start to resent him for not understanding how I really feel. We were going to counseling and touched upon this, but we haven't been going to counseling because his only day off, Monday, he has to work on school stuff.
I don't know anyone in the real world that I can confide in. I've got other shit going on in my head, too. Lots of other shit, but I feel like I don't have anyone here in the real world that will really listen to me, because they've got problems of their own. I want someone that'll *listen* to me, not be distracted, really know what I'm saying, and I don't have that. I know my husband is supposed to be that person, but right now, he's just not. It seems like whatever I feel is just going to upset him. His family doesn't really like talking about things that'll upset them, and he's a pro at that. Avoidance.
I've been in this really negative mood all day, too, when I've had time to myself, and my thoughts wander. I hate it when I get like this.
Anyway, I'm not finished talking, but I've got to leave for yoga with my friend DR and I want to say that I'll just delete this entry, but I probably won't. I'd hate for him to read this, but I've just got to tell somebody or else I'm going to go crazy.
and four hours later, I write...
Well, I'm feeling much better after the yoga. After we finished all the poses and we were laid out on the floor, the instructor told us to leave all our mental garbage in the room, to not take it with us. So I left all the negativity I was feeling towards my husband there and thought positive things as I drove home, and you know what? I think it worked.
I feel bad, for thinking the way I was thinking earlier, because my husband called me today and told me he was "having a good Acorn day", which means he was thinking about me a lot today and feeling good about me.
We're still working thru the fact that I've tried to leave him twice this past year and a half. I'm impatient, sometimes.
I need to really push that my husband and I finish that convo, but it's just so hard when out schedules are so flip-flopped. He gets home when I'm asleep, and when I leave in the morning, he's still asleep. It's tough. But we'll do it, somehow. It's like life in slomo.
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