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2007-04-16 - getting better

Don't read this entry if you want to read about shiny, happy, people.

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All that good feelin' no anger stuff I've been talking about lately? Well, that didn't happen today.

Man, I woke up in a horrid mood, scowl on my face, giving the alarm clock the evil eye.

All day long.

Then I was mean to Amor, and that really, really wasn't my intention when I called him today from work.

God, I suck today. He left to go on a jog. Today's his day off, it was supposed to be a good day. Apparently, I've ruined it for him. Go Acorn.

He took me too pick up my packet for the MS15O after work, we fought the whole way there, I had to fight back the tears when I picked up my t-shirt and bag, and hand in my waiver form, it was just horrible. Not how I wanted to get introduced to the whole MS15O crowd. We didn't say a word to each other the whole drive home, and then I laid into him when we got home and started crying for no reason.

He tried to explain to me, firmly, why I was acting the way I was acting, something about how I was mean to him, but was trying to make him feel bad about it, but I didn't really listen to him. When I'm angry, nothing really gets through to me.

Oh, I remember now. He said when I'm upset about something (anxiety about the ride and pissed off there were beer bottles and dirty dishes when I woke up this morning, the trash hadn't been taken out, the throw on the sofa was askew) I dump on him, tear him down, in an attempt to make myself feel better. He said that's what my dad does. He said that's what my little sister does, too.

I had an anxiety dream about the MS15O ride last night, too. I was late for the start, it took forever for me to get registered, and I had to start riding with all these losers who weren't in the right shape to ride 182 miles in two days, and by the time we started, the sun was setting, I was really pissed off.

I had been doing so well, lately, too.

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