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2008-02-07 - hurt

I can't really see the keys right now - I don't have my glasses on, I took out my contacts because I have been crying. Amor and I just had a huge fight. I came home from work at 7 thinking he'd have dinner ready, I'd had 4 hours of sleep last night because of the soccer game, and I bitched him a new one for not having food for me, for not taking out the trash, and for spending all day on the internet and not finishing his paper for his master's. I was not nice, I was frustrated with him. I was a bitch, he called me a bitch. So he scrambled for dinner, but I was already way too far gone in my anger and wouldn't talk to him or touch the food. It's in the fridge, now. He's left somewhere, I don't know where. After a million texts and a phone call where he didn't sound like himself beneath a blanket of anger I'd never heard in his voice before, I'm supposed to go to sleep, now, and not wait up for him, but don't worry, Acorn, I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize our marriage. I flipped through my phone numbers on my cell phone and not one person did I want to call to hear my tears through my words. I used to have people like that in my life, a drop of a hat. I need friends and so does he. We were doing so well, lately, too. Really, really good. A few months ago, I told him everything. Everything about the other guy. He had a story himself. We decided to get through it. Still, I wonder if he really truly wants to be with me still. still? This anger I heard tonight, I couldn't help but parallel it with my adulterous action. But really, that's in the past. I mean, it's going to bubble up, that's just reality. What's the title to that book I read about yesterday? Storms can't hurt the sky. I am the sky. We just had a storm. The specks of lights are shooting across my field of vision just now, oop, now they're gone. It's gone... it was just one this time. I'll go to bed. Wake up with puffy eyes. Take a picture of downtown on my way to work like I always do. He told me never to talk to him like that again. I couldn't. I'm human and no matter how good I get at handling my anger, there will be days when I can't hold it in. I hate it, but that's just reality. I can't make a promise I can't keep. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.

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