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2008-03-01 - We tried, we really tried.

I didn't sleep at all last night. Not a wink. I'll tell you why later.

I "got up" at 5:30 this morning to go on a ride with my friends. There were 6 of us. 40 miles of killer hills, and I fucking rocked. My mind was on this plane, man, I can't describe it. I have such strength in me, it's scary. It was an absoluetly perfect day. Perfect people for me. Perfect bike. My friends are perfect for me - they love me, they really care for me, I've realized this. Perfect location.

I took some pictures. This first one is a pecan tree.

This is me about 3/4 of the way done with the ride. Prue took this picture.

Random bike picture. That's my road bike with the yellow wheels. I love this bike, I am one with this bike. I feel so free on it, absoultely free.

We went past a pasture with mini horses. I went over to say hi and they all crowded around me, wondering if I had carrots.

I was the first person to notice the bluebonnets. They're here!

**********************************************

I have very big news and I don't know how to say it: My husband and I are getting a divorce.

This has been a long time coming. It's pretty much been bubbling up the past 2 or 3 years, and about 2 weeks ago it really came to a head and we made the decision mutually. This really sucks. We love each other so much. I will tell you what his analysis is: Our relationship never really progressed past the deep friendship that we had when we knew each other for 7 years before we got together. That spark? We tried to work on it, we tried so hard. But I don't think that's something you can work on now. I think all our hard work was in vain. It's really sad because we love each other so much, and we have a lot of respect for each other, yet it's not enough for a marriage. We'd make it as an old married couple fine - but not as young people in the prime of our lives. I'm trying to not go into too much detail here.

I will admit that he is psychologically controlling. So the things that are in my head right now - it's hard to figure out what's him and what's me. It's really difficult. Because I've tried so hard to think the way he wants me to think, and make the things important that he says should be important in my life - he says all his intentions were good. But, as a person lacks control in their life, they try to control someone else instead. Upon my underdeveloped self-analysis (there's a lot more work I need to do in this little head of mine), I've come to the conclusion that it's a rather uncool way to have a relationship. I believe all this ties into the fact that I was never, never, ever able to win any sort of argument with him, and it always ended in him telling me what I should think. Even after I brought this up to him, he is still doing it.

The atmosphere in our one-bedroom apartment does have some tension, but not as bad as you'd think. We are trying to be easy on each other. We're talking as much as we can. I got my own bank account. The moon will pass through the night sky. The sun will pass overhead. Day by day.

I can get free counseling through my job, which I am going to take full advantage of. Free financial advice, divorce advice, it's a lot of info at my fingertips.

He's most likely going to move out of the city in the coming weeks. I will try to stay here, but we'll see how that goes. I may hate it, too many memories? We are on month-to-month, which is convenient. Will this be an easy divorce? We don't own a house together, we don't have kids, we never consolidated our student loans together. We both own our cars separately. I don't really think there's such a thing as an easy divorce. We will need a lawyer, I think, but we won't need one to hash out financial shit. We're both pretty cool about things thus far. I think you need a lawyer to file the papers for you. I will find all this out next week when I start asking for divorce asisstance through my job.

He is, however, taking the computer. I may be without a computer for a little while? I don't know. I don't want to go into more debt - I'm in dire need of a "new" car, my current one is getting worse and worse, kinda scary.

I'm in this really strange mental state right now. After not getting any sleep last night, then going on the 40 mile bikeride, I tried to sleep after I got home and took a shower, but my mind was just running like a freight train, it won't stop, I can't slow it down, I couldn't settle down enough to fall asleep. I'm so tired right now. But my mind won't let me sleep.

It's like I'm in a dream. I've been in this dream the past 2 weeks since we decided. I've told my coworkers and friends, and my little sister. She offered to tell the rest of my family for me, which I thought was really cool of her. I don't want to tell my 'rents just yet: my mom's got dementia and my dad's fucking crazy as fuck. They don't need to know right away. I love my little sister to pieces. She was shocked, but not surprised. I'd had this conversation with her about 2 or 3 years ago, when I was going to leave Amor the first and second times.

Yesterday I went to yoga after work and I got emotional in class. It was a killer class and some stuff came up in my psyche that I needed to work through, I suppose. I've got heavy shit going down right now. It put me in such a state, not a bad state, just this amazing self-awareness that my brain didn't want to come down from - I think that lent to my insomnia.

Oh my. This is so frickin heavy, but it's what needs to be done. I'm in the stage right now where it hasn't really hit me, yet. I think it will hit me when he moves out.

I voted for Obama yesterday.


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