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2008-08-08 - I am the rain

Ooo boy, am I in a dark place right now. I just wrote my Special Friend an email, detailing every last feeling inside this screaming head of mine.

And my friend Glo thinks I put up a mask so people think everything's OK in my head. Well, yeah! Of course I do!

So let's talk about happy, fun things instead...

I went riding last night from 11pm to 2am with one of my MS150 bike friends. It was good, but I'm kinda out of shape. Not totally, we went 30 or 40 miles, but it's not as effortless to do that many miles that it used to be.

Then today at noon I went to yoga and it was really, really good.

I'm so tired and broken right now.

I'm in emotional pain and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't miss being married, but I miss the fun things/times I had with him. I want to call him, but he's the type of person you can never get a hold of. He never answers his phone, he never checks his texts or messages. What's the point? By the time he finally gets back to me, I probably won't feel like talking to him anymore.

I think I'm going to make hummus tonight and other healthy things.

I just need to get my ass to the grocery store, after I look up a recipe for hummus.

And I've had really low self esteem lately. I haven't been sticking to my biking/yoga/turbo jam routine, so my body's gone to shit. And because of all the emotional stress, I've had dermatological problems, which is temporary, I KNOW, but it's just going to take some time to clear up. I just feel ugly and retarded all the time. Which isn't like me at *all*. I mean, I usually have such a high image of myself, it verges on the obnoxious.

Anyway, so that's where I'm at. Imagining what my body would sound like, slamming, against those rocks. No not really, I was quoting a Bjork song.

No really, I'm OK, I'm just writing about the darkness. I go in and out, and today it's mostly in. But I know cooking will make me feel better, so that's it. Bye for now.

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