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2008-12-22 - Acorn need help

I went to see my 'rents this past weekend for Xmas because I don't want to go see them for actual Christmas. I lied and told them I had to work all this week. The visit was so excrutiatingly, emotionally taxing, I don't even know where to begin. It's so sad, about my mom - we can't let her cook anymore in the kitchen, for her safety. My dad is a completely self-centered moron. Being around him is like being around fingernails on a chalkboard. I just want to shoot myself in the head. But I go visit because I know it makes my mom really, really happy.

I got to see Oso. He's was hamming it up, he was really happy to see me. He stayed in this position for about 15 minutes, he didn't move.

The visit really wore me out. My mom wanted me to go to church with her at 8:30 in the morning, so I went. I hate church. But it makes her beam with happiness. So I went. I had to have communion. I am going to rot in hell. I'm going to poo out the body and blood of Christ today.

I have the whole week off work. I think I may have already mentioned this.

I took some pictures of Niko today.

Fun with black and white:

I'm all pissed off and sad, sort-of. I asked my ex in early November (the last time I talked to him) to ask his fam if they were OK with sending them Xmas cards. Well, he hasn't gotten back to me. And it's slowly dawning on me that, hey, ACORN! they don't ever want to talk to you again! I mean, I know it shouldn't surprise me. I mean, what did I expect? Them to say, Sure, we'd LOVE to hear from the asshole who left our son/brother. Yeeeaaahhh. I'm not sending any of them a Xmas card, not even my ex.

And I had a very restless night last night, like I didn't even sleep at all. And I had a dream about my ex - we were hanging out with his fam for Xmas and it was horrible and awkward and no one wanted to talk to me. It's just so weird, he's never lashed out at me, never really said *anything*, he's such an emotional robot. He prides himself in having such emotional control, it's kinda scary. I wonder if he ever really feels anything. In the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage, he just lost passion for anything. It was such a turn-off. He had no balls for anything. Ugh. The dream just left such a bad taste in my mouth.

And remember that night I told you about when I made a cunt of myself for Ginger's b'day? I still don't feel comfortable going out and seeing any of his friends, yet. Oh! And he made up with that friend of his that I said I broke up their friendship. So, we're supposed to go to her apartment for a Xmas Eve party on Wednesday, only I don't feel comfortable. So, this friend of his, I suggested we meet tomorrow and talk about why I have a problem with her. And now I kinda wish we weren't meeting. But I *have* to talk to her *before* her party or else it's just going to be really awkward. Ginger tells me that the problem is between me and this chick, he's not the problem. I just feel like an ass. I'm supposed to text her today to confirm our meeting. I'm a dumbass. Why can't I just be cool? Why am I so psycho about her? It makes no sense. I just wish it would all go away. Right now, I don't know if I can get in a good place before Wednesday night. And I have no agenda for our meeting tomorrow. I wanted guidance from Ginger, but he's said he's washed his hands of the matter. And the person that initiated the friends-reunion in the place, it's a friend of hers, well, I wanted him at the meeting because he started the coming-back-together between Ginger and this chick, and well, she's saying now she doesn't want him there, she wants her boyfriend there. See? It's just gotten all stupid and complicated, all because I just can't be cool. God.

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