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2009-12-12 - Wade

So, my marriage officially (not legally) ended in February of 2008. (My divorce was finalized June 2008.) That's when I told him I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't try anymore. I had tried and tried the past 3 years - we'd been having major problems, I'd gone to counseling and begged him to go with me (I think he went once or twice), but he just ended up saying, "I know what they're going to say, I already know." I begged him to stop focusing on my psychology, and just enjoy me as a person, but he couldn't break away from the fact that I was psychologically identical to my dad (or so he claimed). And that was the end of it. He majored in psychology in college, he was so fixated on that in our relationship, and it killed everything. We both were, I'll admit that - I adopted his constant over-analyzing of things, but after time it started to wear on me, and on us, and I just wanted to enjoy life as it was happening, rather than second guess everything, or wait for the right time for things. It was so frustrating. I'm still getting over it, I still find myself second-guessing my thoughts too much, and I have to reign it in. It's hard, I tell ya, sometimes. Towards the end there, in February 2008, I was so desperate to find an answer, to find the solution to make things work. So anyway, today I was going over all my pictures in my computer and I came across this series of pictures (from February 2008) I took of our toothbrushes. And I remember what I was thinking: I thought that maybe I could tell our fortunes looking at our toothbrushes. I know, it sounds retarded. But it was like, here's me, represented by one toothbrush, and here's Wade represented by the other toothbrush, and it was like, "Look at us! Even our toothbrushes hate each other!" I was so depressed and drained after taking those pictures. And coming across them again, it's like, MAN was I fucked up back then. It's nice to be coming back again, believe me, sometimes I feel like my head's still up my ass.

So in other news, last weekend I got a crock pot! I had one when I was married, but I gave it to goodwill, it had too many memories attached to it. I gave away a lot of kitchen stuff to goodwill back then. Anyway, you can get one at Target for twenty bucks! Last weekend I made this awesome chicken curry, and today I'm making pot roast. I chopped up some garlic, onion, carrots and sweet potatoes and threw those in. Then I rubbed the roast with herbs and seared it on the stove first. I had to make a trip to the garden outside our apartment complex office to steal some rosemary. I tied that in a little cheesecloth bag with some bay leaves (I'll take it out in an hour or so). Oh, and salt and pepper. Then I poured 2 cans of beef broth in there... it's going to be yummy! I think I'll make some whole wheat bread from scratch when it's almost done. I think I have some yeast in the pantry....

So yeah, it's been really good to get back into cooking lately because I stopped for about a year. The kitchen was where Wade and I had all of our intimacy. I remember a time after we separated, I had moved into my new apartment, he had moved to Dallas, I tried to cook something, I can't remember what it was. And I was chopping the vegetables, and I had to stop halfway through because I was just standing there in the kitchen bawling with the knife in my hand, thinking, "I can't do this yet!" So I stopped. And me and Richard ate out all the time from there. But not anymore! I cook more times than we go out now, and it's great. And it's healthy too! And he just loves my cooking. 6 years married to a chef (+2 years of dating), a girl has to learn a few kitchen tricks!

So, a couple days before Thanksgiving I called Wade to wish him a happy Thanksgiving and I ended up getting his voicemail and leaving him a message. It was a good message. So a day or so later I got a text from him, a happy text, saying he was glad to hear from me and we should talk! Well, to make a long story short, and avoiding telling you all about the series of (nice, friendly) back and forth texts.... he ended up telling me totally out of the blue that he couldn't talk to me for "some time", is how he phrased it. WTF?

I'm thinking it's her. He said she's 8 months pregnant, and now the "timing is not good."

Well that fucking sucks. Good luck to him I guess. At least I tried. I know we'll be friends again, someday, it's just going to take time. Maybe she's just hormonal and told him not to talk tot me. I can understand that - if you're with someone, and one of your friends makes your significant other uncomfortable (or crazy, whatever) when you have a friendship with them, you're supposed to not talk to them anymore. It would be really weird for her if he pursued a friendship with me.

But yeah, it's kinda a bummer to not be able to talk to him. I wish she'd understand that I just want to be friends with him, but emotions are what we're dealing with. Primal emotions. Those are hard to deny, you know.

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Here's a pic of our kitties I took last night. They were mad.

My kitty actually poses for the camera, I swear.

And here's the skittish one. He's sooo skittish. If you walk the wrong way, or make a wrong movement, he runs off and hides. But I caught him in a good mood this morning. He was purring when I took this picture.

OK, I'm going to go do Turbo Jam now! Richard and I went to the gym 3 times last week.

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