2009-12-30 - Ewwww, nipple!
Oh, how do I start this....
I guess I'll just start at the beginning.
I fucked up Saturday night. I'd had all intention of going to this party with Richard and behaving myself in the presence of her, but, well, that didn't happen.
Richard and I really have some serious stuff to work through. I have a friend helping me out, because in the past when I talk to Richard about it, he ends up yelling at me and pointing his finger at me the whole time. Fuck that! That makes me clam up and I feel intimidated.
I'm better at writing things down, writing a letter, and then going over it with him. If he asks me to talk, he's like, "OK, talk. What have you got to say?" after he's yelled at me and pointed his finger the whole time, and to tell you the truth, I do *NOT* feel like talking after that display.
I will tell you that I truly believe Richard's intentions are good. but he and his "friend" talk about this to each other, and I think that he's kind of a fuel for the fire as well. He's trying to be a good go-between for she and I, but he tends to exaggerate what the real issue is, and it just ends up like a gossip session with him and her, is what it seems to me. Like they both get a rise out of the drama, but I may be wrong.
ANYWAY, so that's me venting up there...
I had to really dig down inside to figure out why I hate her so much. It seems like the past 2 years, when I reach out to her, she's shitty to me, and when she reaches out to me, I'm shitty to her.
At the party Saturday, I had a plan A (to deal with being in her presence), but I didn't have a plan B, C, D, etc in case plan A didn't work out. It didn't even occur to me to have more plans. Well, I didn't politely suffer through the party, I was a turd and made things awkward. Plan A didn't work out at all. In fact, plan A didn't even work *before* we arrived at the stupid party! Plus, I was drunk and emotional, and that's never a good combo for Acorn. I hurt Richard's feelings, he hurt mine.
A lot of this is tied into my divorce, my ex-husband. Wade made me suppress a lot of my true feelings for the sake of our relationship. I was *really* good at it, so good that I convinced myself that I was doing a good thing. Only, I wasn't. I wasn't even acknowledging my feelings at all. So when I got out of that relationship, and was free to express my feelings, I kinda went into overdrive. And somehow this chick got caught in the crossfire, and I kinda think she likes being the stirrer-upper of strife in me and Richard's relationship. She had romantic feelings for him in the past. I wonder if she still has them, I don't know. Richard in no way has feelings for her, even though in the past they kinda went out, but it wasn't serious. Richard is the kind of guy that keeps *all* (most of them, anyway) of his ex-girlfriends as friends afterwards. Everyone just loves him because he's the guy that every girl can turn to when they have dude problems. I have to tell myself that this is cool, but I have to confess I'm really really possessive. That's another thing I have to work on, but that'll be another entry, maybe. My wrist is getting tired from typing.
So, we were going to talk about my writings (about this stuff he and I need to talk about) last night, but we went to see Avatar instead and when we got home I was starting to feel sick, so I hit they hay.
Man, that movie was freakin BADASS. It was so beautiful, so colorful, the planet was so amazing. I love Sigourney Weaver, and that dude from Grandma's Boy was in it (the weird-o that thinks he was in the matrix and does all the robot sounds when he walks around corners), he was good. The blue people were so freakin cool and huge! Wow.
Yeah, so anyway, where was I? I'm really trying to dig deep here. I really really close myself off from people, I've realized. I'm getting close to this chick (I'll call her Roxi, she's the one who's been talking me through all this Richard stuff in dealing with this chick from the party that I've had problems with since Richard and I first started going out), and it feels nice. And I see that the closer I get with her, the more I open myself to Richard. I really, really close myself off to him sometimes. I think because maybe I'm afraid he isn't going to like my feelings and my emotions, like how Wade was like. Wade was *so* judgmental of my feelings and thoughts all the time, like I was under the microscope all the time. And even though I've been away from him for almost 2 years, I was with him for 8. So when do I get over it? I'm tired of it already!
OK, so sorry I'm so un-focused. I've got the day off work and I'm sick and I should probably just be in bed with the kitties. Richard's out & about today working.
He and I need to talk about it, and we both know this. I don't think we're really mad about it anymore, we just want to get to the bottom of things. That's a great start. Roxi was saying that I need to apologize for my actions Saturday night, not my *feelings*. I didn't really get that until now. I guess I was kinda thinking that because Richard didn't like my actions, that meant he didn't like my feelings. I know, I'm retarded. Why can't I get this stuff? When I look at it, is just seems like normal, everyday, social skills that I am extremely lacking in. YaY Acorn.
So that's where I'm at with that. I'll let you know how our convo goes! I'm actually looking forward to making progress with him. I am absolutely head over heels in love with this dude, he really does it for me, makes me freakin crazy! We're really into each other, in a way I've never felt this deeply with anyone, and I'm not just saying that. It's something I didn't have with Wade, and now that I've got it, I want to do everything in my power to make it last, and to work on our relationship. I know you can work on things with anybody, I did it for 8 years with Wade, so I know it can be done, you know?
I don't know if this entry turned out like I wanted it to. I'm not so good writing in here like I used to be. I don't know why. Maybe it's cuz I'm not in here all the time.
So here's some pictures...
One of the kitties was on the electric blanket today and he was just beside himself with relaxation.
One of the bars I frequent has this bust on the counter.
And here's their clock. It's trippy!
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