2006-06-02 - really venting
It's 6:43 in the a.m. and I've been up since 5 against my will. Elusive sleep.
I registered this morning for my one "class" for the summer, my pro-paper. My prof is the hugest prick on the planet. Basically he told me he's not going to be available for the second half of the summer. WTF? What does this mean? That I probably won't get my paper done by August. Looks like we're going to have a December graduation, y'all.
I'm beyond angry and frustrated. This guy is going to have to rot in the deepest, darkest pits of Beelzebub's palace.
And there's nothing I can do. His superior? She's the department de@n at the other campus of my school, and she's who I have a rift with that runs 7 years deep, she wouldn't return my emails when I tried to get her help 2 years ago when I re-started grad school. Yeah. Don't burn your bridges, that's what they tell you, but did I listen to that good advice? Oh no. I have to take it up the ass like a c-list Hollywood whore, and like it.
And I haven't been working on my anger problem at all. I haven't been reading my book. Amor and I have been constantly at it the past 2 weeks, it's so unpleasant. He prefaces the evening when I come home from work with, "Are you going to yell at me again tonight?"
Aaaarrrghhh, it's fucking horrible! I'm a failure with this anger thing, I'm a failure with the grad school thing, I'm a fucking failure with getting along with my husband, and I feel fat.
I didn't want to update in here the past 11 days because I knew it'd be so negative, and I just kept waiting and waiting for it to get better, but it hasn't, and now I need to vent.
And then on 0prah yesterday she had all these alcoholic suburban housewives on wailing about their shitty lives and it made me think that I'm an alcohlic too, even though I haven't really drank hardly anything these past 4 weeks. My liver feels like shit. I still feel toxic after the antibiotics and when I drink alcohol, I can almost hear my liver groaning in consternation, "Don't put that shit in your body anymore!!"
It always has to be an extreme with me. I always have to get pissed off. I'm unable to produce emotions other than anger. I do not have the ability to chill out. I'm a fucking loser. No wonder people don't really like to hang out with me, I'm just too much. Why does Amor like being with me? He hasn't really been enjoying it lately, that's for fucking sure.
We're going to visit Becky and Henry this weekend to see NiN again tonight. I should be happy about that but the most I'm worried about is how to I get out of drinking this evening? I just have to say, "Hey, I'm not drinking tonight." No one will care. In fact, they'll probably be relieved since I'm such a shit sometimes when I drink.
We're staying thru Monday, I'm taking Monday off work. It'll be good to see my mom and dad, too. And the dogs.
I'll take pictures.
I've got 3+ rolls of film I need to get developed. Some of those pics are of New Mexico when we were pregnant.
Thanks for listening to me vent. I feel a tiny bit better. I'm sorry for being absent for eleven days, sorry. Don't believe all my despair, I tend to exaggerate a little bit, just a little bit.
I'm going to try to get off work by noon today. It's seven sirty and I'm needing to get off to work.
It'll be good to be around the fam this weekend, that is, if I don't get all pissed off all weekend.
I need to read my book. The Anger Diet book. The one that gave me so much hope 2 weeks ago. And gave Amor hope.
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