2006-12-10 - really, really fucking cool
I'm having to recondition my emotional tendencies to not be stressed-to-hell about my paper. It's like, automatic - when I'm "relaxing" I feel guilty and restless, like I need to be doing something.
But that something is gone.
The paper's done. Grad school's over. I'm going to walk the stage in that weird get-up. My fam's going to be there, and Amor. I have my MS.
This restlessness started leaving around the end of October, I'm slowly purging myself of the evilness of what I let school and the prof do to me.
Today, as Amor and I were hanging out (we almost had a whole 24 hours together - it was wonderful - our minutes together are so precious, now), I had to force myself to be aware of my lack of ability to truly relax. It sucked, realizing that an act as simple as relaxation has to be a learned behavior for me. Geez.
No wonder I love alcohol so much. Mind-altering substances are so potent, yet so short-term.
As this realization is washing slowly over me, I feel this ultimate peace and happiness, this freedom, this contentment ----- and it's all feeding into that flow of energy between Amor and I, it's really, really amazing. I mean, we're both watching it together, holding our breaths in awe, like a fireworks show, or something that lends satisfaction to a job well done - they say "Hang in there, things will get better". I guess there's some truth to that saying after all.
The universe says "whoop" along with us, for reals, yo.
I truly have been enjoying my bike lately. When I ride, my bike is just an extension of my body. Yesterday I went to a very technical mountain bike trail with a good, old friend (I'll call him Dan1). It felt as though I was just floating over the jutting rocks and roots as I picked my way up and down the crazy trail. I had a confidence in myself that I hadn't felt in a really, really long time.
I know I probaby brag too much in this diary, and I'm sorry. I am very cocky, I'll admit that.
But this time I'm not trying to be cocky. This riding experience truly wiped me out physically - we rode almost 2 hours, hard, and I was the only woman I saw. But it did something to my brain - I was reminded that I can still kick some fucking ass when I want to.
And you know what's crazy? I can see the exact same thing happening to Amor. This new job of his - well - it's good for his personal constitution and whatnot.
It's really, really, fucking cool.
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