S acorn's diary
2008-07-04 - How much time ya got?

Happy 4th of July!

My life has been nuts, but it hasn't stopped me from taking my downtown pictures every morning on my way to work. I've updated Acorncity up thru April 18th. Somehow, I can't find pictures 4/21 through 6/13 - they have disappeared into another realm in my computerworld. Taking those pictures every morning on my way to work, it's been one of my constants.

Things that have happened to Acorn in the past 4 or 5 months:

April 7th, my car died on the way home (on a MONDAY, nonetheless) during rush hour traffic. The engine seized up. I was so scared, there were cars whizzing by on each side of my P.O.S. car, it was really scary. I saw the heavens open up in the sky, and angels came down and surrounded my car. And them some Mexicans pulled up behind me and helped me push the car to the shoulder. I love Mexicans, they rock. Then my Night in Shining Armor came to my rescue. And then Elvis came, too. (My tow truck driver's name was Elvis, I swear.)

Then, in May, my apartment complex got sold to the University next door, so we all had to move out. I moved across the street to another apartment complex owned by the same people.

Moving was really hard - my friends and family pretty much did everything for me, I don't know what I would have done without everyone. I had so much help, it was incredible. I don't even know how to start thanking everyone. It's been a struggle getting my shit together, mentally, to get in a spot where I can start doing things for everyone, but it will come. I'm not rushing things.

Then, June 21st, I came back one evening after a long day at the lake, to find this:

It had been raining, my ceiling had been leaking and they put a new roof on that day. All the commotion must have made the ceiling fall down. I was unable to get a hold of my landlord thru their "Emergency line" and so it was like that until Monday, when they finally heard about it. I was fucking LIVID. I couldn't stay there - I have a Special Friend, I stayed at his place. When the apartment people finally called me Monday morning, it was horrible. I was unable to vent my anger, I was still feeling beaten down mentally by all the divorce stuff, I had no fight left in me. I was helpless. They were trying to dick me over. Then, Thursday, I went OFF on them, screaming, everything, I was at work and I didn't care who heard me. Well, my fury paid off: I got 4 days free rent and they paid me for a new DVD player, and they steam cleaned my couch. (I do have renter's insurance, but there's a $1,000 deductible, I'd have to have my whole place destroyed to benefit from that.)

Anyway, that's the major stuff.

I'm getting my acoustic guitar repaired this weekend. It needs a new nut and new strings. I'm so happy, I want to start playing again.

I'm still biking as often as I can, but mostly I've been working out 4 days a week after work at our company gym - it's only $12 a month. And it works out great, because when I finish working out, there's no traffic to battle on the way home - sweet. It's perfect. It's a much better use of my time. Sitting in traffic is just fucking stupid.

So, what about my divorce? Well, I haven't had a computer this whole time, so maybe it's good I wasn't logging how I was feeling. To be honest, I don't really want to remember the ups and downs. I'm just glad it's over - it was finalized June 27th. He and I have finally started to talk again. He's dating someone, I'm dating someone. It's all been so *fast*.

I started counseling last Tuesday, it's free thru my company insurance.

I'm trying to deal with this the right way, you know?

I've learned through all this that I have got to be true to my heart, I can't take anyone else's opinion as my own, you know? For so long, with him, I just let him guide how things were supposes to me, not knowing over the years that I wasn't doing what *I* wanted to do, what would make *me* happy. I just went along with the white picket fence dream, hell, right before it all went down, I was talking about having *babies* with him, that's just.... wow. I'm glad I got out before all that happened.

I've known him for 15 years, we have so much history together. It's been weird not seeing him for the past 3 months. I know eventually we will be friends again, but it's not anytime soon. I still feel like he's trying to keep his psychological hold on me, everytime I talk to him. It still freaks me out. I am still angry at him.

I'm hoping the counseling will help me work all this out. I mean, I know I've got to work through it in my own head, but I've been to counseling once before (a few years ago, when I was in grad school and I tried to leave him the first and second times) and it helped me figure things out. So, we'll see. His name is Bob. He's an old dude. He matches my feistiness, which is refreshing.

I have purple nail polish on.

I've been listening to new music (new to me, anyway) like Combichrist and Collective Soul. I'm looking forward to the new Beck CD, which is supposed to come out next week or something. He's been another one of my constants. When I feel down, I listen to Sea Change. Up? I listen to the Information and Midnight Vultures.

And I've been subsisting on Amy's frozen meals. I'd much rather be cooking for myself, but that will come in time. I always feel so good on the kitchen. I have plans to cook for some friends on Sunday, Enchilada Casserole and Spanish rice. We'll see how my new kitchen performs.

One thing I can't complain about is my job. My boss and coworkers have been absolutely fantastic. I even got my lawyer thru my boss. They have been understanding and supportive, it's just amazing. I don't know if I would have been able to handle things if my coworkers were cunty. I mean, my job requires me to do LOTS of projects, all day long, talk to customers, work thru problems, lots of stuff. I'm on the computer all day. I've got to keep mentally on the ball. At first, in February and thru March, some days, I'd just stare blankly into space, not knowing what to do, my mind spinning with "waking up". It was like, one day, I just WOKE UP, and realized I wasn't happy with him, it was really weird.

Now, looking back on everything (and I know I don't have 20/20 vision on all this, I'm still working thru crap) I realize that he blamed 8me* for so many of our problems, it was all *my* fault. I did so much to work thru things, to make myself happy, and he didn't do so much. He's very stagnant with me. Hopefully, now, with his fresh, new woman (she's 25) and his fresh, new job, and his fresh, new life, it will give him the boost he needs. We just didn't uplift each other, you know?

Anyway, it's getting late. I need to go enjoy the 4th of July. Happy Birthday U.S. and A.!!!!

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