S acorn's diary
2008-08-03 - Lazy Sunday

It was #s 30th Anniversary party last night, and it was so much fun! My Special Friend and I got there at 9, we were like the 4th people in line. I didn't drink *too* much, that is, no hangover this morning. We didn't fall asleep until after FOUR.

Bad: I got drunk enough to lose my ID and bank card and a credit card. Luckily, when I noticed this morning at 11:30 and called the cards' 1-800 numbers, they hadn't had any activity. I went ahead and cancelled them and ordered new ones. Now I just have to go to the Driver License office next week and get a new one. Fun.

I'm taking Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off of this week AND the following Monday. Not doing anything special. I'm calling them mental health days.

I'm getting my hair cut, going to the dermatologist, getting my license, it's all time for things like that.

I feel guilty talking about my Special Friend here. Things are just going fucking amazingly. I mean, I was frickin *married* for 6 years, supposedly to my soul mate, only he wasn't my soul mate. It's like, there's this wall in my head preventing me from jumping off the deep end with my Special Friend. But he doesn't give up on me.... ever. And it's not like he's requesting me to jump off the deep end with him. He met me 3+ years ago, did I tell you the story? It was at #s, April 30th, a Saturday, 2005. We met, had a whirlwind 3 days, then he found out about all our emails, and it ended there, but we talked off and on for the next year. Then the 2 years after that.... nothing. No contact at all. I was completely over my Special Friend. Only I wasn't. I had to remind myself every morning to not think about him that day. I had to leave myself notes around the apartment and in my car. They were in code: CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN was one in particular that I remember. I couldn't listen to certain songs, it would all come rushing back and I'd collapse into tears. It was a terrible 2 years for me, but I wouldn't ever admit it to myself because I had the perfect life with him, even though there wasn't much there except for his dreams and white picket fence aspirations. Even though I made it sound like I was looking forward to having kids with him, I dreaded it. I knew the second it happened, I'd be trapped forever. The kid wouldn't come from love, it would have come from mechanical means. It makes me shiver just thinking about it. And so that's why I feel guilty, that I lied to myself for so long.

And I don't want to ever lie to myself again. So that's why it's hard for me to completely give in to my Special Friend and what I feel for him. You want to know what I feel? When I catch sight of him, my soul jumps a foot out of my chest. My heart skips a beat, I feel a cold hard thump underneath my sternum and I have to take a breath in to counter attack it. As I suck in a breath, I have to close my eyes and absorb him into me. He knows how to touch my skin, I don't cringe from fear that I'm going to be ticklish, like I had to do for 8 years, it was awful. Talk about bad chemistry. And then I feel guilty for constantly comparing my new life with my old life, I want to just forget it all. But I can't. Nor should I.

That's what counseling is helping me with, a bit.

Sometimes I feel like a bumbling mess of insecurity and exwifeness and scum and darkness.

And then I swing back to hey, you know what? I really fucking kick ass and I'm doing what I want to do in life to make me happy. Doing the things that need to be done.

Today? I didn't do a damn thing. We slept in until 11 and it was great. And I didn't feel guilty about *that*.

Niko's in crazy kitty mode, she's got that loco look in her eye. I nave to watch out for her claws. I've got lots of scratches on my body, it's typical. I love her to pieces.

Oh, my Special Friend and I just went to see the XFiles movie. It was good. It was very understated, and had some really good scenes that made me hug my knees to my chest and hide my face. And you get to see a two-headed dog, no shit! And Scully looks really good with long hair.

Also, my new apartment (well, I've lived here for 3 months, now) is starting to finally feel like home. I think Niko helps. And I've got pictures on the walls, curtains in the living room, a computer. And my Special Friend and I like hanging out here, too. It's chill.

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