2009-05-27 - Hump day - Hobo humpin slobo babe!
I had a very good day at work today. I was extremely productive. Ever since I quit the caffeine with the cleanse (I think May 1st was the last day I had caffeine), I've had so much more energy. Especially in the mornings. It's fantastic, I come in to work at 8 and actually work instead of feeling groggy for an hour until the caffeine kicks in. Amazing. It's always been a love-hate/all-or-nothing relationship I've had with the caffeine. Right now, I'm feeling so free from the oppression of caffeine addiction. But this weekend? I really wanted to stop at the coffee shop and have a cup. But it's not like that with me. If I have just one cup? There's no such thing as one cup. Or one day. If I have 1 cup, I can't stop. I have to have one the next day, and the next and the next. And you know what else? My mood has been better, too.
So, you know how I moved in with my boyfriend. Well, it's been so frickin S L O W getting the apartment looking homey. We don't have any curtains on the windows, or any pictures on the walls. And I really want curtains and pictures. This past weekend, I was all set to put up the curtains, but somehow I misplaced the hardware! I was really bummed. I could have gone to Target to get more, but I think I would have had to buy the whole package: curtain rod + hardware and I didn't feel like shelling out the cash. So I decided to clean the bathrooms instead. They hadn't been cleaned since we moved in (February), so they were in need!
The ex-husband: I don't think he's talking to me. He hasn't let me know he received the 4th package I sent him. And this time I sent him a very nice, hand-written letter telling him about my wreck and that I still wanted to be friends. I've heard nothing from him. So, I called him today and left a VM, and also sent him a text. Although he claims his phone is cracked and he can't see texts. I really want to know about how his family is doing. How his sister's boys are (one of his nephews has this strange illness that strikes every 30-40 days, it's cyclical or something), and his brother-in-law, and his parents. I really do care. But I fucked up - when we were breaking up, both his mom and his sister reached out to me, but I didn't respond at all. I was too freaked out. So when I finally did try to contact them, Wade told me they didn't really feel like talking to me, it was too soon, it was too painful for them. Well now he's married, he's been to visit his family with his new wife and stepson (yes, he has custody I'm assuming, the whole schebang, I'm sure with him. He wanted children so desperately, and I never gave that to him), she's completely replaced my role, and then some because she has a kid. He and his family are extremely family oriented. I grew up hating my parents and have rifts galore with my sisters, yes, both of them, off and on. So, his family probably doesn't see how I fit in the picture. I probably don't fit into the picture. Do I want to fit into the picture? I want to be friends with Wade, still. I don't want to lose our friendship, although I know it won't ever be the same, it's going to have to get redefined. I guess I don't know what the future holds with us.
Oh, and he's hidden his name from me in Gmail. I don't know why he cares - he's never on his email anyway.
In exactly 1 month, it will have been exactly 1 year since my divorce was finalized - when I went to the courthouse by myself and met my lawyer and spoke with the judge. Wade never asked me about the details.
Well, thanks for listening to the stuff that's in my head. I really have to get this stuff out. So, thanks.
I'm going to go have dinner with Richard, now. He just plopped on the couch and said "I love you" to me. He's so awesome. When I wake him up in the morning to say goodbye (I always leave for work before he's up), he keeps his eyes closed, but smiles so big, reaches out his arms for my body, and tells me to have a good day, and to be safe, and that he'll email me later. Every day. Then I lock the door behind me, get in my car, and go take my downtown picture on the way to work.
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