S acorn's diary
2010-04-08 - Giant and J

I've been feeling awesome since returning to the Bikram. 3 years ago when I went for the first time, little did I know how much it would transform me. I handle my anxiety so much better, now. It got me thru the end of my failing marriage, it got me through training for 2 (and now 3) MS15O's, it got me through my divorce 2 years ago. I cannot explain my year's absence from it. I practiced in '07 & '08, skipped '09, and now I'm back in '10. I met Richard May '05, finished grad school Dec '06, didn't talk to Richard '06-'07 (2 whole years, while I worked on my failing marriage), did the MS15O in '07 & '08, got divorced June of '08. Geez, I've been divorced for almost 2 years now!

I don't know why I'm going over the timeline of my life the past 3 or 4 years.

I am different in class than last year. I am not so focused on the teacher, doing every single little thing they say to do... I focus on myself first, then on what they say. I already know the basic moves of all the poses, it's just now I'm focusing on myself so much much more than I was before. It's this level of self awareness I've never felt before. Like my body is this safe, wonderful, beautiful refuge from the maelstrom called life, swirling, howling, raging around me all the time. It's like the year break made me focus more on this, made this realization come to fruition. And all just from 2 classes! Well, we'll see where this goes. I sound like a hippie.

I don't know when I'm gonna be able to get back to class! I've got shit to do tonight after work (drinking), then shit Friday night (also involving drinking), then Saturday's a big ride all day.

Maybe I can fit in a class Friday after work. It depends how late I can show up to this party I've committed to. I'll ask the chick who's throwing it if it's ok if I show up late. YaY! Maybe that'll work.

I've been thinking a lot about Wade lately and my old life with him, all our mutual friends that I have kinda fallen out of touch with. I've been trying to reach out to some of them (and Wade, too), but I guess it's just going to take time. I don't want my old life back, I would just like the comfort of reflection you can only have with someone who's known you as a person for years & years. We all change, yes. How does that change fit into your relationships? That's what I'm trying to explore.

I may have hurt one of my bike team members' feelings (I'll call him J). We had a team get-together last night. Earlier in the week I had been trying to make plans to do a ride with another team member (I'll call him Giant, cuz he's so frickin tall) on Saturday. Well, at the get-together, J came up to me and asked me what I was doing Saturday for a ride, and I adamently said I hadn't decided yet, cuz I didn't want him to come with me Saturday. Not that I don't like the guy, I mean he's really nice, he's kind of a novice and doesn't "get" it sometimes. J said he was doing this organized ride on Saturday, and I was like, "oh, that's cool." Then Giant shows up, comes right up to me as J and I are talking about something else, and is like "So, we still riding Saturday?!?" And without thinking, I was all like "Yeah!" Right in front of J. And I made eye contact with J and instantly realized I'd fucked up, but I just played it off legit. But I could tell in his eye that maybe it upset him already. I suck, don't I?!?

Now comes the rationalization of my actions... he did say he was going on this organized ride on Saturday. And technically Giant & I hadn't 100% solidified our plans for Saturday, so I wasn't completely lying when I said I didn't know what I was doing Saturday. But when J asked me about it, that would have been a good time to invite him on the ride, only, that wouldn't have been sincere of me since I didn't really want him to ride... but (I think) I made him feel bad in the end. And that's why I suck.

Ok, I have to get out of bed now and get ready for work. I'm gonna be so tired today. Richard and I went drinking last night and had pizza way too late and now I feel fat. I only got 4 hours of sleep.

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