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2006-07-08 - practicing restraint with alcohol

12:13 p.m. Saturday

I just read an email from my mom. She's doing OK. I get sad sometimes when I think about what she's going through, and I really hope my dad isn't getting angry at her from time to time, but I know he does because that's his nature. She's on a treadmill/bike/sit-n-be-fit routine everyday and has lost 5 pounds, she's very happy about that. She called it the "threadmill". Becky is always available to her, and that makes me feel like nothing can go wrong in her care. I trust Becky so much, and I really wish it could have been me, to take on this role of taking care of my mom. (It's really easy now, in this stage. My mom's 99% capable of taking care of herself, she just can't drive herself places.) But it can't be me.

If you forgot or didn't read the entry before I deleted my whole diary - my mom has early-onset dementia, called frontotemporal dementia where her brain is shrinking. It's like Alzheimer's, but faster, sometimes, but all-in-all they really don't know a lot about it.

At the bodyworlds exhibit, they had a normal brain next to an Alzheimer's brain, and it was really incredible the physical change - you cold SEE it, the brain was smaller, and was shrunken. All I could do was think about my mom.

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Last night we went to see one of Amor's favorite musical artists (I@n M00re) at a house party. There were maybe 40 people there. It was so lovely. Amor's been communicating with (I'll call him Colin) Colin, who plays with I@n. Anyway, on various websites about I@n, it has been alluded to that he doesn't really like hanging around drunk people who want to talk to him after his shows: i.e. Amor and I on many occasions. Well, Colin sort-of mentioned that we could maybe show up early to the house party, sober, and hang out with him and I@n and have a nice conversation.

Hint taken. Hint taken.

Long story short, (it was BYOB) I only had 2 very weak sangrias and Amor only had 4 drinks over the course of 6 hours and we had a very nice and very long conversation with him at the end of the night.

It was a beautiful performance. His songs are so heavy, I felt the tug of my emotions out from my heart and through my face. His mom and dad are both dead, and a lot of his songs reflect that. He always gives everything up when he performs. Every time. I've never seen anything like it.

I was very reluctant to get into I@n at first - Amor was into him because of his guitar-god status, and I wasn't into all that guitar-solo crap. But he doesn't do that kind of stuff anymore and has sufferend a lot of flack from his fan-base, because that's all they want and are inflexible to get into what he's doing now, what his heart has told him to do. It's been a hard struggle for him, and probably involved a little insanity.

What turned me over was this one song, Leary's Gate, when Amor told me it was about LSD. I couldn't believe that a guitar-god would write about LSD, much less do LSD, then I thought, well maybe this guy does have cojones and I'll give him a more rapt listen.

And so I did.

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Ok, what shall we talk about now?

Here's something about myself I've been meaning to tell you. Amor thinks I look and act very Italian. At the shindig last night I met this chick from Argentina who immediately asked me if I was Italian, WOW! Anyway, what it is about me, (Amor says), is that I'm very animated. I use my hands a lot when I speak, even when I'm on the phone. My face is very expressive and it's very hard for me to hide my emotions, facially. I'm constantly in motion, I don't sit still, I've even been described as being antsy, although I don't really like that description too much.

But not everone thinks I'm Italian. I was asked if I was part Black the other day. Yeah! Some people are completely floored when I tell them I'm part Italian and part Hispanic and part gringa. Ah, who really cares, right? Well, I do. It's been a hard struggle my whole life figuring out my identity. A lot of times I feel I'm misunderstood, and it doesn't help when people can't figure out your outward appearance, it gives them something to go by, I suppose.

But, damn, I'm good-lookin'!

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