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2011-01-27 - d e p r e s s e d

I took the day off today, but I've been working off and on all day. I managed to sleep in until 8, which is late, considering I get up at 5:30 every morning, or 4:30 if I'm going to the gym before work.

I went to the gym today, and when I got back, Richard was leaving to go see some dudes about work related stuff, meeting 2 different people at 2 different bars. He invited me, but I don't feel like drinking tonight. I'm trying to just drink one day a week, which is hard. I sometimes feel like Richard puts a lot of pressure on me to go out and party like he does. We don't just go out for a drink, we go out for lots and lots and LOTS of drinks, and I'm always hungover the next day. We went out last night, but it was MY idea to go out. I guess I was trying to not seem like a fuddy duddy lately, which is how I feel like Richard sees me. We've been going out almost 3 years, and all the partying seems like just way too much lately. He says he needs to go OUT because he works from home all the time. I want to stay in because I've been out all day. And sometimes I don't always feel like accompanying him, but I feel guilted into going. Or if I don't go out with him (like tonight), I'll get chewed out about it next time we get in a fight. He likes to bring up everything that's been bothering him, what he's bottled up about me that's been frustrating him, and throw it at me all at once, and it makes me cry and feel like a horrible girlfriend. I just can't keep up with him, and I don't know why he's with me if I make him so frustrated all the time. But then when I try to talk to him about anything, he gets just so angry. Ah, life with a red head. I'm really really venting right now.

Now he's out, and just texted me if I want to join him. I said no, and then told him I'd give him a bj if he came home before he's too wasted.

I've been hassled by my boss a lot at work lately, she's been a total bitch lately, and I've been working my ass off really hard. I don't know what her fucking problem is!

Biking has been good, though. And I've been reaching my daily fitness goals, so that's something positive. I still feel like I have a ways to go with my body, these 3 years of partying have been taking a toll. My body image has been in the toilet lately. Richard and I had a talk about it, so he's trying to be more complimentary and stuff. I just never get told by anyone anymore that I'm attractive in the slightest, which is really weird for me because this has never been the case in my life before. I guess... I'm 36 now, and I've got to face it I'm just not, you know, pretty anymore. It sucks. The divorce I guess, this is what happens as a result. But I guess that's life. You don't get any younger. I feel like the 8 years I was with Wade was wasted because we never had sex, at a time I thought I was really hot, and it was all just wasted on me masturbating in my bed alone at night while he was working at the restaurant. I'm still very resentful of him for this. He's still not talking to me, but I haven't tried to contact him in anyway since sending him an Xmas card. I'm not planning on it, it's a tired subject.

My lips still aren't right. It's been 2 weeks exactly, and they are still peeling a little bit, and they hurt. So I'm putting this prescription stuff on them I got from my dermatologist. I'm self medicating, sue me. It's like, petroleum jelly with medication in it, and it's soothing. I just use it at night, but am I just trading the chapstic for another vice?

Why do I make my life so complicated? I wish I had never written this entry. And I wish you had never read it.

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