S acorn's diary
2009-12-31 - Advice for Acorn/Inside Acorn's head

I got a new camera yesterday. It's a newer model of the one I had, same features basically, but it has that new thing that all new cameras have nowadays: image stabilizer. And I have more of a range on changing the aperture speed, which is cool. I'm still figuring it all out. Here's a couple of pics of the kitties.

So Richard and I had a talk last night. It didn't start out too well because he immediately launched into vent-mode and all the crap he's already told me, but he just felt the need to unload again and of course I started crying. So I gathered my chi and blew my nose and came back, he apologized for venting, and we were both like, let's continue to talk about this and so we did. He really puts the majority of the blame on me, and I don't think that's really fair - he's extremely self-righteous, stubborn, and high on himself and his knack for never making anyone feel bad because of something he's done. So when he does things/says things, it's always with good intentions so when someone gets hurt or thinks he's not cool, he's offended that anyone would think otherwise. It's kinda maddening. He's a hard nut to crack. So I was trying to get it through his skull that we've got to work on *him* too if we're going to go anywhere with our relationship. And he raised his voice a tad and said, "Well tell me what you want me to do!" And I was like, "That's the problem! That's supposed to be one of things we need to discuss and find out here!" and so he was all, "OH!" and so we then proceeded to have a normal conversation about what we needed to talk about. But we never got to the part of figuring out what he's supposed to do because we were talking for 2 hours and then it was midnight all of a sudden and I'm still sick so we headed to bed and I fell asleep on his shoulder while he was on his laptop, which is just luxurious! He and I have such amazing chemistry, he's scrumptious.

So.... Rough start. Good finish. It's still kinda foggy, though. We really love each other a lot. We're both just stubborn, and we're both self-righteous. Fun. Oh, and we're both Sagittarius, too. =]

I read one of Kelsi's entries and she was talking about how she apologized to someone and I found it to be a boost to help me with what I was already intending to do today: apologize to that chick that threw the party Saturday where I was rude. (We had texted 2 days ago that I would call her today.) So I called. I apologized. A lot. I told her that she was completely not deserving of how I'd been acting towards her the past 2 years (which isn't 100% true, it's maybe 87% true, she has done some stuff. But in her head, it was in retaliation because *I* had done some stuff. So I just want to stop the cycle.), and that I was dealing with some over-emotional stuff stemming from my divorce and that she somehow got caught in the crosshairs and I fixated on her undeservingly and that I was sorry. And I knew she wouldn't be sympathetic/empathetic (I wasn't expecting her to be like, "Oh let's talk about that in detail!"), and she wasn't sympathetic/empathetic, but she listened, and responded positively and made good chit-chat to cover up the awkwardness (which was very gracious of her), so all in all the convo was good. And I have all intentions of not fixating on her anymore because I'm more understanding of where it's actually coming from now, inside my fucked up head and not because of things she does (and if she does do stuff that pisses me off in the future, I'm at the place where I can just chalk it up to her being immature or something, and not take it personally). This is the best solution I/we could come up with. Things had just gotten so depreciated by this point, that this was the next step. We hate each other too much to have a normal conversation, I think. I dunno. I'm just trying to make things better, and I'm not an expert, but I'm trying now. Before I wasn't trying.

So that's where I'm at with that. I realize I have *very* strong emotions about things. And before my divorce, I used to know this: that just because I have emotions, I don't have to act on them. I can have the emotions, I can feel them, I need to understand them (cuz I don't always give myself the luxury of that, and I should), I can't ignore them, I just can't act upon them in a way that makes others feel bad.

Somehow my divorce made me revert back to old Acorn. Why is that? It's really frustrating. I guess I'll just be stronger now about it, now that I know there's never really a "fix", just a "work harder Acorn, never give up".

I hope I'm going the right route here. I used to have Wade to guide my thoughts all the time. And I used to go to counseling.

Well, I've got to go finish the laundry.

We've got celebrations lined up tonight. I've been watching the fireworks on the national news stations from other countries, it's neat. We're about to be there, too! Richard was wondering what the last country is to celebrate the New Year, and I was like, "I dunno!"

I bet wikipedia would know.

Happy New Year!

Love, Acorn
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