S acorn's diary
2009-06-28 - Sunday jogging

Yesterday, I went to SA for the day to visit with my whole family. First, though, I met with just my sisters and my little sister's husband was there, too. We wanted to talk about my mom, her dementia, and my dad, who's been going deeper and deeper into depression. It's pretty bad, he's lost 20 pounds, doesn't have any energy for anything, looks like hell, feels like hell. I'm sorry, but it's hard for me to have sympathy for the guy. I still have a lot of anger towards him. He's psychotic. He's been a self-centered asshole his whole life and now he wants out help with Mom. Yeah, we're all going to help out, I'm not an evil daughter. I know this is going to sound completely horrible what I'm about to say... it kinda feels good to see him all fucked up. He's caused me a lifetime of frustration and emotional and verbal abuse, not just to me, but to my sisters and Mom, and anyone else who is in his life. He doesn't have any friends. He *needs* us now. He's trying to play the "I love you and I really need you girls now" part, and yeah, we're going to help him, but his words? Too little, too late. Maybe 15 years ago this emotional tactic would have worked, but not now. That's how I feel anyway.

My little sister, she's not as jaded as me. She and her husband have decided they will move in next door to my parents. Again. They used to live next door to them, but had to leave because my dad was such a fucking asshole. He's a control freak. Here's an example - he has the thermostat at 82 degrees in the house (It's scorching outside, in the 100's, and he's got it on 82. We were sweating the whole time we were visiting them.)

If something isn't the way he wants it, he loses it. I have really distanced myself from him the past decade. To even hear his voice makes me cringe. I don't ever call him just to talk. He's completely clueless as to how he affects people, much less his daughters.

He's suicidal. They've got him on prist!q. He's been on it about a month. I don't know anything about this drug.

So, once again, he's managed to put the spotlight on himself rather than my mom. The whole visit, we talked about him, not mom. It makes me so angry! My mom was just happy we were visiting.

My older sister and I decided we're going to both visit one weekend a month, so that way my mom will have two visits a month from us older daughters. My little sister, since she lives in the same city, she goes over there once a week or more. So that's good. My little sister's husband has take it upon himself to help out my dad - he's 69 years old and still working. He has no money saved up, it's ridiculous. He's an idiot.

So anyway, I drove to SA and back on one day - about 200 miles one way (3+ hours driving) so I was pooped when I got home. I ate a peanut butter and banana and honey sandwich, drank some soymilk, and went straight to bed. Richard went out. He said everyone, the whole time was "Where's Acorn? Where's Acorn? Where's Acorn?" I needed a break from the drinkin.

I got up early this morning (cuz I crashed last night about 10) and went on a jog. I went 3 miles without stopping in less than 40 minutes. I'm in OK shape. I just gained back about 5 more pounds from the cleanse and now I'm feeling crappy about myself again. I don't have the time I used to for working out and it's crippling my self-esteem. I don't think Richard understands. I try to tell him, sometimes I get my point across.

He sent me all these articles the other day on redheads. As it turns out, they actually aren't dying out! I'm so happy about this! And they've done studies on how they need more anesthesia than most people during some surgeries. And they retain heat better, too. Richard's a freakin furnace! He keeps the AC on 69, I'm a meat popsicle all the time! Brr.

OK, I've got to go. I want to make cookies today and hang out with Richard. He's still in bed and I want to go chill with him.

Love, Acorn
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